This is the artificial intelligence voice of Steven Bartlett narrating this pod slice summary of the Diary of a CEO Podcast.

Steven Bartlett and Mel Robbins delve into the subject of personal change, addressing reasons why individuals often feel stuck and offering strategies on how to pivot successfully in life. Robbins proposed an idea she refers to as the ‘let them theory’, in which se asserts that the fastest way to regain control of your life is to stop trying to control everyone around you. This, she posits, allows an individual to reduce anxiety and toxic relationships, resulting in significant improvements in one’s life.

Robbins also attributes the difficulty to change to our minds being hardwired to spot and repeat patterns. At the same time, she notes that there’s a constant negative voice in our heads that impacts our self-esteem and influences our actions. However, she assures that this voice can be overcome by tuning into the ‘navigation system’ inside of us that directs towards what is uniquely aligned for us.

She highlights the importance of paying attention to aspects of life that aren’t satisfying because they reveal areas that need change. For her, negative emotions like jealousy, frustration, and anger act as directional signals prompting towards a needed pivot in life. While she recognizes that many individuals are aware of their dissatisfaction with specific aspects of their lives, they often find it challenging to act on the signals due to fear of uncertainty.

Robbins emphasizes that individuals don’t endure an accuracy problem with their instincts but rather struggle to muster the courage to follow these instincts. Decisions aligned with one’s inner wisdom often involve doing something different and subsequently elicit a fear response, which Robbins identifies as a natural response to change. She encourages people to interpret feelings of nervousness as signs of expansion, whereas feelings of shrinking or constraint indicate a wrong decision.

Steven and Mel conclude their discussion by touching on what drives people to make changes in their lives. They suggest that changes occur when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of making a change. While they acknowledge that people have different thresholds for this pain, they emphasize that the change begins with an individual and cannot be imposed by others.

In this portion of the discussion, Steven and Mel probe into the subject of change, specifically addressing why it’s so difficult for many individuals. Robbins emphasizes that people tend to be well-aware that they need to change but are often obstructed by their rigid thought patterns and the familiar comfort of their current path. She speaks candidly about the struggle, frustration, and discomfort of self-change, portraying it as a solitary journey that requires continuous momentum, inch by inch.

Significantly, she posits that hope is a crucial factor missing in individuals who feel stuck. Robbins reveals that until people believe that their actions can make a difference in their lives, they may remain stagnant. However, she proposes that either hitting rock bottom or discovering infectious hope through the inspiring stories of others can ignite the spark for change.

Bartlett and Robbins discuss how people often present a façade of readiness to change but, in reality, real change requires energy and action. Robbins remarks that talk is cheap and emphasizes the human inclination to resist change due to its tedious and lonely nature. It is not a glamorous journey but rather a test of endurance and resilience that often leads to resistance from others.

Indeed, Robbins suggests that change comes when people are so dissatisfied with their current state that they’re willing to try something else to alleviate their pain. Interestingly, she refers to this as the ‘[ __ ] it’ stage of change, where individuals decide to explore other possibilities because their current situation has become unbearable.

Furthermore, she delves into the concept of ‘self-talk’ and the narrative individuals create for themselves. She notes that this inner monologue, often negative, significantly affects one’s perception of themselves and consequently their actions, driving home the principle that “what you think about yourself then drives the things that you do.” However, she proposes that change can be initiated by acting like the person you aspire to be, even if you don’t feel like it yet.

This ‘act first’ approach, as Robbins explains, provides a visual confirmation of the transformation which, in turn, reinforces self-belief and spurs further change. However, this shouldn’t be construed as the endorsement of motivation as the primary driver of change. She dismisses the idea of relying on motivation, asserting that it’s unreliable and hardly there when needed, endorsing the principle of making oneself partake in the necessary actions despite the absence of motivation.

Lastly, Robbins expounds on the ‘Lion inside’ scenario – individuals setting the alarm for the next day exemplifying a commitment to future action. But, when the alarm goes off, they often feel a sensation preventing them from fulfilling that commitment, leading to stagnation and the unfulfilled promise of change.

Continuing to explore the intricacies of change human behavior, Robbins discusses the idea of sensation, perception, feeling, thought, and action. This chain of psychological events, she explains, significantly influences one’s actions. She conveys the idea that understanding this chain allows an individual to regain control over their actions. This path of sensation to action she insists, dictates our responses based on our emotions, sensations, and trauma, potentially leading to feelings of being uncontrollable. Robbins emphasizes that to break free from this biological chain and proactively direct our lives towards our goals, we need first to comprehend this chain and focus on initiating better actions, regardless of our feelings.

Expanding on this, Robbins introduces a contractual approach to therapy, which partly involves an evaluation of our behaviors. She insists that this evaluation is crucial as our bodily sensations and emotions often misguide our perception, leading us into unproductive actions. With a ‘behavior first’ approach, she suggests, we can reverse this chain.

In conversation with Barlett, Robbins relayed her experience of perpetually being ‘on the move’ to avoid dealing with her unresolved issues and traumas. This exhausting cycle of constant motion, she infers, can be detrimental and rob us of the opportunity to reflect, respond, and recalibrate our lives effectively. For her, slowing down was a necessary step towards reclaiming control of her life.

This sentiment was reciprocated by Bartlett who confessed his initial chase for materialistic success. Yet upon achieving these goals, he conversely felt a sense of disillusionment, which spurred him into reevaluating his values and seeking fulfillment elsewhere.

Robbins also broaches the ‘Let Them’ theory, attributing to her daughter. The theory proposes giving up the control we attempt to exert on others, stating that it wastes an enormous amount of our energy and time. Letting people be, she implies, might be the key to assuming control of our lives and attaining peace. This theory derives from the fundamental truth that you can only be in control of your own actions and responses, not of others. In essence, the ‘Let Them’ theory is a call for intentional living, advocating thoughtful actions over reacting to events, a choice that lays the foundation for true self-agency.

In this portion of the podcast, Robbins recounts an episode with her son which sparked the conception of the ‘Let Them’ principle. Amidst the chaos surrounding his prom preparations, including last-minute tux arrangements and dinner plan uncertainty, her initial instinct was to step in and help manage the situation. However, her daughter’s advice to ‘Let them’ made her realize the importance of granting autonomy and not micromanaging people’s decisions, actions, and experiences – even if they may appear to be in blind spots.

Cementing the benefits of this approach, Robbins communicates her realization that by lowering expectations of others allows for alleviation of disappointment and unnecessary stress. She supposes that taking on other people’s problems simply generates expectations, predominantly rooted in one’s insecurities, control tendencies or anxiety. When these expectations go unmet, it can result in stress, angst and a loss of control in one’s own life.

The conversation also touches on the difference between simple detachment from the issue – which can often be mistaken as indifference – and the ‘Let Them’ principle. Robbins explains that by uttering ‘Let them,’ we acknowledge what is happening and that it bothers us, but we also place ourselves above the situation and permit it to unfold without undue manipulative influences. This ultimately allows a redirection of focus from others unto oneself, prompting introspection, reflection, and responsibility.

Further underpinning the relevance of the ‘Let Them’ theory, Robbins demonstrates how it also applies to our social vicissitudes. Unexpected exclusions, unmet expectations from friends, and the general unpredictability of social dynamics often fester feelings of disappointment, anger, and resentment. However, adopting the ‘Let Them’ ideology, Robbins argues, can mitigate these unnecessary negative reactions. She suggests that by permitting such events and acknowledging one’s feelings about them, the onus of responsibility is forced back onto oneself. This introspection typically results in acknowledging and addressing personal shortcomings or toxic behaviors, deepening one’s self-awareness.

Robbin’s concept is embodied in her quote of “stay in your peace and stay in your power.” She underlines that by stopping the tendency to get irked by others’ actions and instead focusing on one’s actions can yield peace and empowerment. The ‘Let Them’ approach, while it serves one profoundly and possibly perceived as a means of self-preservation, is not selfish but a generous act of acknowledging others’ independence.

Midway through this engrossing podcast, Robbins elaborates on the ‘Let Them’ theory, suggesting that it can lend strength and empower those dealing with challenging situations and emotions. When one faces the fear of others’ reactions, the ‘Let Them’ principle guides you to anticipate their reaction and prepare for it. This doesn’t mean accepting negative treatment, rather, it involves taking responsibility for your boundaries, your truth, your emotions and ultimately, your healing process.

Exploring the influence of fear, Robbins expounds that fear compels individuals to avoid, shrink, deny their feelings, and live in silence. To counteract this, she emphasizes viewing fear from a different perspective, focusing on one’s control over their own actions and emotions.

Robbins also comments on the in-depth conversation about dreams and goals. She introduces the notion of temporal landmarks, significant moments that create a ‘before’ and an ‘after’. These landmarks, such as new years or birthdays, prompt individuals to perform an assessment or self-audit, identifying their current position before setting new goals.

Highlighting the concept of ‘directions’, Robbins clarifies that it’s impossible to specify directions without knowing the starting point and final destination. This analogy can be applied to personal goals; an understanding of one’s current situation is crucial before identifying where one wants to be. Robbins recommends a simple exercise here: list all important life categories such as relationships, health, finances, and happiness then rank them relatively. This helps to create actionable goals with baselines for comparison.

Delving into dreams, Robbins explains these as the moments of deep introspection where one tunes in to their mind, body, and spirit. Dreams provide a broad, long-term direction, acting as beacons pointing toward the future. For dreams, Robbins encourages individuals to identify who they are inspired by or jealous of and delve deeper into the specifics of what it is they desire.

Robbins also provides a peek into her personal journey involving her husband’s struggle with career failure and his venture into transpersonal psychology. She also reveals her ADHD diagnosis, drawing light on how it was a turning point that offered explanations for her feelings of being defective, which had puzzled her for 47 years. Her diagnosis came about as a result of her youngest son Oakley’s school struggles, which led to his ADHD diagnosis. She found solace in finally understanding this aspect of her personality and her son’s challenges, which she previously ascribed to simply acting out.

In an intimate exchange with Steven, Robbins discusses her late diagnosis of ADHD and how it impacted her understanding of herself. Identifying strongly with her son’s struggles with the same condition led to her considering its presence in her own life. When confirmed, it shed light on her lifelong perceptions of herself as broken or different. With acute honesty, she dispels common misconceptions about ADHD, echoing that it isn’t just about lack of attention. Idiosyncratic expression of symptoms in girls, like daydreaming or disorganization, often results in delayed or missed diagnoses and further complicates their experiences as they grapple with self-blame and puberty.

Robbins delves deeper into the conversation, stressing the links between ADHD, the trauma one might have experienced during childhood, and the resulting anxiety. In her view, the negative repercussions are twofold: firstly, a traumatic or chaotic environment would necessitate high vigilance and constant monitoring of surroundings for threats, setting the stage for enhanced sensitivity to stimuli, a major feature of ADHD. Secondly, the stigma and misunderstanding around ADHD led to generations of women being treated for anxiety while the underlying issue, ADHD, remained unaddressed.

Into the conversation, Robbins switches the conversation to another significant aspect of a woman’s life – menopause. Descried as an epic struggle of losing control over one’s body, Robbins talks candidly about the distress brought on due to shifting estrogen levels. She emphasizes how conflicting advice, intangible results from treatments, and the financial burden further compound the stress. Adding a societal factor to the personal turmoil, Robbins laments the late inclusion of women in medical research and the still present-day lack of comprehensive understanding around menopause.

Progressing into a discussion about women’s life expectancy, Robbins lends voice to the dichotomy modern women face. She draws attention to the contradicting reality of how life expectancy has exceeded fertility cycles, posing significant health challenges as women’s bodies undergo intense hormonal changes while they also expect more years of vibrant living. As a response to this dilemma, she mentions emerging research advocating for prolonged menstruation to continue natural estrogen production, giving a ray of hope in the profound and complex sphere of women’s health.

In a frank dialogue about menopause, Robbins decries the lack of information, research, and effective treatment, rendering midlife women feeling out of control as their estrogen levels fluctuate. She adds that the insufficient understanding and historical exclusion of women in medical research compound these challenges even further. Robbins underscores women’s need for comprehensive knowledge on an issue as critical as hormones that fuel the body functions.

Robbins, in the process of navigating her menopause journey, admits to feeling lost yet fiercely determined to understand an issue that was sidelined for so long. Having experienced first-hand the confusion and frustration associated with menopause, she calls for a revolutionary wave in women’s health.

The discussion takes a meaningful turn towards the motivation driving her. Like many, Robbins finds it challenging to articulate the core force propelling her forward. But, she mentions an earnest desire to enjoy life as much as she can and maintains strong ties with her adult children as some of her key goals. The time spent with her kids and their choice to spend time with their parents makes her emotional.

Addressing the question left for her by the previous guest about the most challenging obstacle she has overcome, Mel identifies the key challenge as rewiring her nervous system. For her, mitigating the lifelong impacts of trauma or anxiety was a significant task. She emphasizes that moving beyond fear and anxiety and achieving awareness was a journey of making peace an everyday priority.

Lastly, Robbins explains her drive to make visible the invisible struggles, to validate people feeling stuck or unseen. If her words or experiences can make even a single person feel less alone in their journey, that’s what she considers her purpose. In her words, if she can illuminate pathways of change through her experiences, she’ll have done her part in making a difference.